Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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