I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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