so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
