I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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