i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
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I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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