its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
