Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
