I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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