there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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