Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
