I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
