Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
