I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
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I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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