y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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