I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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