just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
