Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
