I wish I could punch you in the face.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
