Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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