I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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