this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
