The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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