I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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