aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
