Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.