Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
