I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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