I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
being pregnant is like rehab
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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