Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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