apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Your penis caused this!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
