Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
