the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
