I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
