Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
