Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
