Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
