Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
