I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
