don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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