She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
