I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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