I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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