He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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