I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
