dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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