she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
