Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
