1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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