I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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