I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
