And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
