My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
