now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
